More Weighty Thoughts

Back in 1978-1980 when I was about 135 lbs, I was more active. I walked, played tennis, loved to swim, ride my bike and go camping. It's been about 15 years since I last played tennis; I haven't walked or gone camping in more than 10 years because of my arthritis. My hips are bone-on-bone and I need hip replacements; I stopped swimming and tried to start again last year, but only swam once. Me in a swimsuit was too much to bear and bare; And last year was the first time I haven't ridden a bike in years. Bikeriding was my last surviving activity, but then it died.

I'm hoping when the weather warms up I'll get back on my bike and start riding again. And this summer I want to start swimming again.With my arthritis the way it is, I doubt I'll be walking, playing tennis or going camping anytime soon. At least not until I get those hip replacements. I'd like to look into that this year. It would be great if I got at least one hip done before 2010.

Before my hearing began to leave me in the mid-80's, I was a more outgoing person. But as my hearing deteriorated, so did my social life. I become essentially a recluse 10 years ago when my hearing loss became profound. I tried learning sign language, but I sucked at it. When my audiologist recommended a cochlear implant in November 2007, I was momentarily stunned. Then scared. But the more I looked into it, the better I liked the idea. I never thought of myself as a deaf person. I always thought of myself as a hearing person who couldn't hear. So when my insurance company finally agreed to pay for it, I set the date and went full steam ahead. My implant surgery was a HUGE success, and at my last appointment with my audiologist my hearing was testing borderline normal. I can hear. I can listen to music. I can use the telephone again. I thought once my hearing was turned back on I would suddenly turn back into a hearing person who can hear, but a decade of being a recluse makes it harder to just dive back into my former life. I'm finding I have to take it one step at a time.

When I was 16 and my father's hearing was deteriorating, I saw him starting to pull back from people. I swore if I lost my hearing I'd never do that. What a stupid kid I was. I just couldn't imagine how hard life was without hearing. You can't call someone up on the phone and talk with them. When you ask someone to repeat something, or ask them to speak up, they look at you like you just murdered their mother. And if they do repeat what they said, it's lower. Making it impossible to figure out what they're saying. When in a group setting, and you can't keep up with the conversation, it's easy to just let your mind wander. Eventually you pull back and stop going to places where there will be people. Running into someone I know while out shopping became my worst nightmare. Someone taps you on your shoulder, you turn and look at them and see their lips moving. No sound. You struggle through and when it's over you run for cover. Even though I'm hearing better, I still cringe when I run into someone I know. I guess it will just take time to reclaim my old life.